Rambo's Ramblings - Explanation

   Ahem. Yes, so, uh, hello. Again. You probably know me as Rambo, the amazingly awesome cat from The Missing Kitten and Trapped. What's that? You haven't read Trapped yet? That's funny, because it came out March 1st. Oh, it didn't? Right, that's why I'm here.
   Here's the lowdown. Jesse is busy. Busy, busy, busy. Busy as a cat trying to clean itself with only a quarter of a tongue. That is why he hasn't published Trapped yet. If I were in charge of this process, it would have been done weeks ago. However, I am a cat and cats and computer don't get along too well. Therefore, I leave such things up to Jesse.
   What exactly is Jesse so busy with? Well, when one writes a book, it is necessary to be the best it can be. If it is not the best it can be, then the book will not get published. That's technically not true, 'cause lots of horrible books get published all the time. However, Jesse's is dedicated to excellence. This is why his books will be renowned for their amazing quality. Plus, I'm in it, so how could anyone dislike it? Sure, Jesse's writing style might bug you and the plot might not make much sense and some of the characters are poorly developed, but when you see my amazing action sequences battling robots and saving the world, you'll fall in love. But please, no more fan-mail, Jesse will never get done writing books if he has to sort through fan mail. He has enough of mine to look through (did I mention he doubles as my secretary?) as it is.
   What was I talking about? Oh, right! Jesse is busy with such things as: correcting confusing plot points, plotting complicated character arcs, waiting for cover art to return from the undercover artist, comprehending squirrel mail, piloting flaming aeroplanes, and disposing of the leftover boiled cabbage. As well as doing minor things such as schoolwork, college work, farm work, cow work, and sleeping. If any of those things are beyond your comprehension, join the club. I have no idea why he's doing them, and I watch him do it for at least eight seconds every day.
   I hope that answer all your questions. Now, remember: be patient, skunks are not going to take over the world after all. At least, not until you've read Trapped and it will be at least two weeks before such a thing happens. With that said, I hope you have a delightful day and beware exploding pineapples that might land in your backyard. I'm positive Seabert had nothing to do with it.

The Day I was Kidnapped - Rambo's Rambling

   It was a dark day when the man/person/thing kidnapped me to talk to me and ask me silly questions. Or, it could have been a sunny day. I can't remember. Come to think of it, I believe I was asleep when I was kidcatnapped.
   It was dark when I woke (woke? waked? worked? work? work.) It was dark when I work in the small room, lying on a table with a headache.
   Suddenly a light flicked on and a face, a human face, was inches from my own.
   I did what any self-respecting cat would do: I screamed like a little kitten.
   "AAAAH! Get away from me!" I darted across the table and leaped beneath it to hide.
   The face reappeared. "You are Rambo, yes?"
   I looked over at it. "Yes. What do you want?" I tried hard to keep my voice from trembling, but there was still a tiny tremor in it.
   "I need information."
   "What kind?" I tried to slowly move backward, but the human grabbed me and placed me back on the table. The light shone in my eyes, making me unable to look at in the direction of the face for more than a few seconds at a time.
   "Hey, take it easy." Another face appeared, this one looked somewhat nicer. "Let's just stay calm and be nice."
   "We need this information! There's no way around it. I have to know who Sasha is."
   I froze. No longer was I trembling in fear, now I was quaking in confusion. "I beg your pardon?"
   "Who is Sasha? Why is she after ivory kittens?" The mean human grabbed my neck and held tight. "Answer me!"
   The nice human stopped his partner. "Stop it! We won't get any information that way. We have to play this cool and get on his good side."
   "Look, guys or girls or whatever, I don't know. I've had a recent adventure which kind of explains some stuff, but it's not been proofread yet. And I'm not gonna force anyone to hurry. I want the best story possible to come out, which is why I'm not hurrying the best author there is."
   "Jesse is the best author there is?" The mean one asked skeptically.
   "Eh, he's in my price range," I shrugged. "Look, the book has been sent out to some of the proofreaders and I'm working with Jesse to get it sent out to the others. The book will be out by next year. Can you wait until then?"
   The mean human looked at the nice one. The nice one shrugged.
   The mean one turned back to me. "What choice do we have? But just to show how displeased we are, we aren't going to buy it the day it comes out! We're gonna wait until it is free on Kindle! So there."
   The nice one bit his lip. "Or maybe just the day after it comes out."
   The mean one agreed. "Yeah." He released my neck. "See you around, man... er, cat." He walked out with his partner.
   I shook my head. "Crazy fans."

Rambo's Rambling - Cat Care

   Class! Today Professor Rambo will be teaching you all on the proper way to feed cats. This information is straight from a cat, so you can know it is right.

   1. Cats need four full meals a day. I prefer round meals over square meals, because my stomach is round. And when I say full meal, I mean a meal that makes my stomach full. So give your cats lots of food.

   2. Must you pet cats so much? I mean, we get bombarded by people as soon as we're spotted! The madness, the germs, the tickling! It's horrible. Basically, all I want is for you guys, and girls especially girls, to leave us alone. Maybe a stroke or two a day, but that's it. Give us food and leave us alone.

   3. The kittens are not superior to us. Perhaps this kind of contradicts the last point, but if you're going to snuggle the kittens, snuggle us too. We adult cats don't want to feel inferior to the little 'uns. So treat us all equal (and hopefully nicely).

   4. Let us sleep! When we are sleeping, don't wake us up. Unless its lunch time. Then please wake me up, but leave everyone else to sleep.

 

There you go. A four point list to taking care of me. I hope you learned a lot, there will be a test. Though, if you give me a free meal, I'll go easy on you. Hehe.

Note: this report was not sanctioned or approved by the CCA (Cat Caretakers of America).